Just a thought.

Why is it so hard for us to talk? Or even to remain as friends?

If you happen to stumble upon this page again, I want you to know that,
whatever that happened was the past.
You're still a very special person to me. And I just want to thank you for the things that happened and did not happen.

Take care and all the best in your future endeavours.

Tired

God, I'm so tired of life. This emotional rollercoaster is driving me crazy.
I'm so tired of trying to be so perfect in everything.
I'm so tired of trying so hard each day.
I'm so tired of thinking so much for every single thing that bothers me.
I'm so tired of thinking of what I want to do and can't do.
I'm so tired of all these problems coming one after another.
It's so tiring to be penalized for little mistakes that I've done.
I'm really really tired.

If you're listening, please...help me.

Published on June 2nd, 2013 | by FM

11 Differences Between Dating a Boy Vs a Man

1. A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.

2. A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life).  A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.

3. A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.

4. A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.

5. A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.

6. A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.

7. A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.

8. A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.

9. A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.

10. A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.

Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:

11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.

Source:

http://www.funnymalaysia.net/11-differences-between-dating-a-boy-vs-a-man/

Today, a dear friend of mine, shared this link with me. Guys, you're no longer getting any younger. A person's heart is not meant to be played. If you're not ready, please don't lead the girl on and promise her all the things you know you can't do. Because she's so silly and naive that she keeps on believing. And at the end of the day, it hurts and the heart bleeds. 

Keeping quiet.

When I keep quiet, that doesn't mean everything is OK. In fact, everything is NOT ok.
Tearing up just seem so natural these few days, it seems like an unfavourable past time to comfort myself in this difficult period, crying silently in my room and looking alright as I leave my comfort zone.

Only God knows how much it hurts.

I will try and...

Becoming 23 years old in 6 days time, I would like to make it a point to do something for/about myself. I've realized how many times I have taken granted the time that I was given.
I'll be more realistic this year with the things I want to do. And start with something more achievable rather than being hyped up and zealous about doing something I would absolutely not do.

1. I will try and take my omega 3 capsules every night.
2. I will try and drink more green tea instead of milo or coffee.
3. I will try and do my weekly facial régime.
4. I will try and finish 2 books before Seremban starts.
5. I will try and take multivitamins the one especially for women. (Hehe)
6. I will try and take more fruits and vegetables and make everyone eat salad every week or at least once a month in Seremban.
7. I will try and keep track of my money in a tech savvy way.

And after a long lists of 'I will try and', i just realized something.

The correct usage is actually... I will try to...and It's not ' I will try and'.. I literally direct translated that Malay phrase.. (Saya akan cuba dan..)

Hahaha..shit... I guess, last but not least..

8. I will try to improve my English.

Special shoutout to Mr Joojoo. Thank you, darling for buying me 'Dot'. I'll use it well when I'm in Seremban! 8) Love you to bits and pieces.

My first ever gift from Sephora. And a fishing cap! 😍

Dot by Marc Jacobs.

And a simple handmade card for my love for our first Valentines.
And some Lindt chocolates.

Happy Chinese New Year.
Happy Valentine's Day, Cabby and everyone!
And Happy Birthday, Fabby. :D

A little prayer for Joo

Dear Lord,

In another two days, it will mark our 8th month journey together. Some people say time is nothing. Your relationship shouldn't be so dependent on time.  But if time isn't a factor, then why is there a saying that goes, 'only time will tell'? To me, this is really an achievement because my previous relationships never lasted this long. I've learnt a lot from this relationship and it made me become someone more realistic. And also helped me to learn how to truly love someone.

Going back to KK and in my 'soul searching' moment, I've met a number of people. Each has their own bitter sweet experiences and a taste in this thing called "love".

So, what is love?

- Love is unconditional acceptance.
- Love is patient.
- Love is trusting in that person and having faith.
- Love is about sacrifices

And these are just a few of the many elements that I have gathered. Sometimes I wonder, do I really love Cyril? Have I loved him enough? If I don't, why does he matter to me? And if I do, why are there still things about him which I cannot seem to fully accept?

Being apart from Cyril for four months was really challenging. Even mount Kinabalu ain't that tough. This distance really helped me to learn how to trust him and also to trust in you, Lord, that you will look after him. Temptations after temptations are always out there being so sneaky, and always coming uninvited.

Maybe this silence in between us is doing us good. Maybe it's not me trying to harden my heart. But to have faith in Cyril that he still loves and cherish me. Probably there are so many things that he wanted to say, but doesn't know where to start. And he just cannot verbalize his thoughts. Or probably he just doesn't know what to say because whatever he says might even be used against him or jeopardize the situation. I can only guess and will never know unless he tells me.

So Lord, I pray to you that you will give him the courage to speak out one day, grant him the wisdom and also to allow Cyril to learn how to trust. My Cyril is 180cm tall, looks like a man, sounded like a man but is still very much of a little boy. He's silly, adorable and just genuinely nice.

Lord, I pray that you continuously give him strength to go through each day, help him in his office work, his house chores, his responsibilities as a son and a brother, and also in the difficulties in life. When he is feeling tired after a long day, I pray that he will get a good night sleep. And when he is out with his friends till late, I pray that you grant him safety and protection on his way home. When there are major decisions that he needs to make, or is lost, Lord, please give him some pointers. (P/s: He can be very blur at times, so, Lord, please make it obvious for him.)

But whatever it is Lord, I pray for Cyril that he will have an open heart to accept and receive You. I pray for our relationship to mature and to grow. And I pray for mutual trust and understanding in between us. And,God, please be in the center of our relationship, and let Your will be done and not mine.

Last Saturday, Father Alberto's homily really struck me. Quoting roughly from him,

"Many times, we are always in love with our own ideas of someone we love that we don't really love the person for who they are."

Help me in this journey of faith, O Lord. And let not just me but others to see the goodness in Cyril.

Amen.

Letter #1.

Dear Future Husband,

Today has been a crappy day. It started off with my shift supervisor interrupting my sleep in the morning claiming that it was my shift whereas I have told my store manager I can only work tomorrow. I'm having a very epic "voice change" now and was sick for the past 4 weeks. Coming close to a month. Perhaps due to stress of the exams. Hopefully, by the time that you are reading this, I would be a competent houseman or a doctor. I'm struggling now. Really I am. Trying my best to understand the physiology of the body and also the human anatomy. But it's really hard, darling. I was very distracted with so many freaking things on my mind. You might call me silly if i were to tell you. But yes, I am. I hope that by the time I meet you, I would have matured into someone who can focus better. Who knows what are my priorities. To be a good wife, a filial daughter, an understanding mother, a friend who people can count on and a competent doctor.
I would want to be someone like that when I'm with you.
Right now, I'm so lost. I have always been lost. This is really bad.
Anyway, dear, I bought two tumblers today for Christmas! Will be giving them away as a gift. Or maybe using them. It really depends. And I bought some earrings for Sandra, Li Zhen and Vui Yung too! Yes, those girls. :) And after that, I had dinner with my sisters, brother-in-law, Ethan and Katelyn and baby Isaac. Thinking of some dessert after dinner but we went Toys R'us instead.
I guess we will be going to Toys R' Us soon to get toys for our friends who are having baby showers or maybe for baby Isaac.
I feel so much happier to write this letter to you today. I guess it's a form of assurance.
Don't laugh at me, k?

I don't know who you are. But I'm sure you will be someone I really love. Because you're my hubby! And yes, I am always cheesy and crazy like that. <3 p="p">
I'm listening to a bunch of emo songs which doesn't help my situation now.
Darling, don't ever promise me anything that you can't keep okay? It hurts me more because you're giving me false hopes. And i don't like to feel disappointed.

Signing off. :)

My weakness: Tears

I've always tried to held it in. To hold back my tears.
A woman's biggest strength, has become one of her weakness.
It's because of my tears that sometimes things just worsen.
I can't suppress the feeling. Because everytime i do, I felt that tingly sensation.
I just wanna show you who I really am.
Would you still be able to accept me?

Never easy

Everything is always easier said than done.
When you view your friend's relationship from a third person's point of view,
When things aren't going on well,
You would easily slip out, "What are you thinking of? Just break up."
But it's never easy.
It's never easy to let go.
It's never easy to build up that trust.
It's never easy to create memories again.

Whilst you could be out there... enjoying..
You left me sprawled on the floor,
Heartache with tears,
Were the things you said were just mere words?
Were the promises you made were just emptiness?
You were like a limb to me. The loss of you feels like losing a part of me.
Was I never a part of you?

of flashback

a year ago of today was the beginning of something special.

Technology.

With all these free messaging applications, one would expect communications to improve or perhaps to catch up without feeling guilty. But no, i'm not even worth your time or money to even receive a feeble text.

What am I to you? Seriously, do I even mean something to you?

Fuckyou...

why do i even care?

will I ever find you?

"I'm so confused... And I don't know what's going on between us. I just don't know whether I mean anything to you or not? Do you know...you are such an asshole? At first, I wouldn't have thought of even liking you. You are definitely not my eye candy..but I just don't know why do i eventually like you...i was that type of person who would ask my friends to move on and just screw that guy if he isn't worth it..and also..it's not even worth to cry for a guy..and now... I can't believe.. this is happening to me..."

"You do mean something to me."

"I'm sorry....i'm really sorry.... I really am....."

"It's alright....don't cry....please don't cry...tomorrow you might see a pimple on your cheek...my hands are not exactly clean...and maybe on your nose too..."

you....
Stop shutting me out.
Just let me into your world.
And everything's gonna be alright.
This I promise you. This... i promise you.

I think... I've fallen for you, the biggest asshole
and
a romeo heartbreaker.
25th September 2011

Renewing my oath.

The Hippocratic Oath
(Modern Version)

I SWEAR in the presence of the Almighty and before my family, my teachers and my peers that according to my ability and judgment I will keep this Oath and Stipulation.

TO RECKON all who have taught me this art equally dear to me as my parents and in the same spirit and dedication to impart a knowledge of the art of medicine to others. I will continue with diligence to keep abreast of advances in medicine. I will treat without exception all who seek my ministrations, so long as the treatment of others is not compromised thereby, and I will seek the counsel of particularly skilled physicians where indicated for the benefit of my patient.

I WILL FOLLOW that method of treatment which according to my ability and judgment, I consider for the benefit of my patient and abstain from whatever is harmful or mischievous. I will neither prescribe nor administer a lethal dose of medicine to any patient even if asked nor counsel any such thing nor perform the utmost respect for every human life from fertilization to natural death and reject abortion that deliberately takes a unique human life.

WITH PURITY, HOLINESS AND BENEFICENCE I will pass my life and practice my art. Except for the prudent correction of an imminent danger, I will neither treat any patient nor carry out any research on any human being without the valid informed consent of the subject or the appropriate legal protector thereof, understanding that research must have as its purpose the furtherance of the health of that individual. Into whatever patient setting I enter, I will go for the benefit of the sick and will abstain from every voluntary act of mischief or corruption and further from the seduction of any patient.

WHATEVER IN CONNECTION with my professional practice or not in connection with it I may see or hear in the lives of my patients which ought not be spoken abroad, I will not divulge, reckoning that all such should be kept secret.

WHILE I CONTINUE to keep this Oath unviolated may it be granted to me to enjoy life and the practice of the art and science of medicine with the blessing of the Almighty and respected by my peers and society, but should I trespass and violate this Oath, may the reverse by my lot.

spark

trying to find that spark that can ignite me once again.
And make me feel like i'm living.

Where are you?

...

I may laugh, I may smile, I may seem to joke around...
Lying down deep within,
undeniably,
I miss you.

like a kite.

I wonder how does it feel like a kite?
Being pulled back each time when you try to fly higher.
But once you fall, you'll be flew up again.
The excitement goes up each time you fly higher... you're soaring, you're flying..and the kite flyer's happy.
in the midst of adrenaline, when you're so high up..you're being pulled back again.

And when the wind died, you fall.

Each time i fall, i get more holes.
And In the end, i don't think i can fly anymore.

Not with you.

trying to figure you out.

I've been trying to write something...
Trying to figure you out...
Trying to decipher your thoughts...
Trying to understand what are your feelings...

And the disappointment gushes through me...
each time i hope, i seem to be left with despair...

and what hurts more...

I can't read you...and i don't seem to understand you...

and now...my heart hurts.

Best in me

A boy band once sang...
"Cause you bring out the best in me,
Like no one else can do,
That's why I'm by your side,
That's why I love you"

But whenever I'm around you, why do i feel otherwise and yet the feeling is there?

you.

it was you. always been you!
can't you tell?
it has always been you!